hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
