Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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