I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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