and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
