Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
