i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
