cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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