Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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