i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
