I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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