he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
