dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize