I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
