Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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