he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
