everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
