i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
