I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
