Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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