This is not my ceiling
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
