i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
