So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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