mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
