I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He did a backflip because drugs
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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