I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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