i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
