oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
