Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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