I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
