alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
