There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
