My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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