"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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