I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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