Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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