he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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