she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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