He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
