I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
