rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
