I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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