forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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