I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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