I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
