I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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