Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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