I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
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I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
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Better not shit yourself at the gym.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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