I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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