You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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