What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
