Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
