just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
