call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
it's like iHOP with fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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