Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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