foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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