He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
