I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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