How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
