good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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