I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
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i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My penis needs a shock collar
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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